boing's useless info of the day:
i love paul f tompkins
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look again.
why do i have a problem accepting favors, gifts, or compliments? i don't want to owe anybody. i know most people don't do favors for one another thinking that this will one-up them in the other's mind. but that's how my brain sorts it out.
i enjoy doing favors for other people. why can't they enjoy doing them for me?
just the mere mention of someone sending me a christmas gift makes my skin crawl & my heart race. i know that sounds silly. i mean, why would a gift make anyone's veins shrink & blood pump?
ahh, me. i've never been good with thank-you's. don't get me wrong, i'm a very thankful person in general. i just have a difficult time saying those words & having them come off believable. i do mean them but my manner's suggest otherwise. this is a big issue when it comes to love -- or displays of.
somebody loves me. they have no blood relation to me, no requirement to love me. but yet, they do. love. i let the idea float in & out of my brain, breathing it in & out. asking myself over & over what it means. how do you know when you love someone? how do you know it's real.
am i going to let someone love me? i'm so horrible at being loved. worthy, but not. i'm the old dog you see at humane society adoptions at the end of the cages. i'm not being fawned over like the small puppies. i look at you with pleading eyes while my head hangs down. lost hope long ago. you take me home because you feel bad. you know that nobody else will want me & feel guilt. you end up taking me home & loving me but for the wrong reasons. you could have picked the cocker spaniel puppy with the bubbly attitude. but instead you chose me. pity got the better of you.
but i know i'm worth better than that. at least i think i do.
do i?
3:42 pm - May 26, 2002
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